Hellsing Bloopers
by Jack Hawthorne
Summary: This is a series of ficlets based on the comic series of the same name from Deviantart. Intended to be funny, and I hope I managed it:D
1. Shhhh

This is a little project I have on the side. Its just a few ficlets whom I have written based on the comic series made by Fireheart1001 on . I have his personal blessings to make these, so there! =D

I have tried to keep the quotes the same as in the comic, but there are some small differences here and there:D

Here is a link to the comic that spawned this chapter:

http:// fireheart1001 . deviantart . com/art/Hellsing-bloopers-14-Shhh-105655516 (sans the spaces)

While the art isnt too great, the joke in it is. Go laught! Naoh! =D

DISCLAIMER: I dont own Jack Shit! Not even the idea for this story!! So dont sue me!

* * *

Seras was walking quietly down the corridor. She had nothing to do today, and was just lazing around in the mansion, looking for something interesting to do. As she walked past the door to Integras office, Alucards voice suddenly rang out. «How does it feel, my Master? Does it bring pleasure into your body?» Seras stopped dead in her tracks. What was going on here?! She quickly closed the distance between her and the door and tried to peer in the keyhole. _Damnit, I can`t see anything...There`s a key inside... _she tought. Integras voice sounded from inside. Or rather, moaned in pleasure from inside. «...Of course it does, slave. Now, keep going....» she said, apparantly answering Alucards previous question. In spite of herself, Seras couldnt manage to tear herself away from the door, and continued to listen.

Suddenly, Walter popped up from nowhere, carrying a tray with tea and biscuits on it. He saw Seras apparantly eavesdropping on Integras door, and asked with a suprised tone: «Miss Victoria, what are you...» But before he could finish, Seras help up a hand and «Shhhh»`ed him. She continued to eavesdrop, leaving the perplexed butler to fend for himself. Walter shrugged, put the tray of tea on a table, and was soon eavesdropping too, if only to figure out what Miss Victoria were doing. Just as Walter leaned in, Integra moaned again. «Mmm, you`re so good at this...» she said, making Walters eyes go wide as saucers. «Hehehehe. Well, I do have centuries of experience after all.» Alucard said. _They`re not really...Are they?! _Seras though. Walter remained silent, but his eyes still saucer-size.

Then, Pip came strolling. He was on his way to ask Integra for his paycheck, and was suprised to find not only Seras, but also Walter eavesdropping on her door. «Hey, what are you two...» he tried to say, but was cut off by both Seras and Walter, both of them waving for him to be silent and letting out a short «Shhhh!» The ever-curious frenchman approached the pair and figured he could probably eavesdrop a bit too. If Walter was doing it, everyone could. «Yesssss Alucard, that`s IT!!!» Integra groaned in pleasure from behind the door. Seras` and Walters eyes went even wider, if possible, and Pip suddenly became very interested, if a bit suprised, in what was going on behind the door. «Shh Master. We`re supposed to be working, remember? Nobody must know what we`re doing.» Alucard said with a voice full of playfullness. _Oh my..._ Walter though. _Oh no... _flitted through Seras` brain and roughly the same time, and Pip were thinking _Oh crap...._

«Mhm? Oh, I see. You`d like to lick it now, would`nt you?» Alucards barytone voice rumbled from inside the room. «Not just lick on it, I want to suck hard on it!» Integra replied, shocking the silent audience. _Wow, Sir Integra is aggressive in more ways than one! _The french mercenary though, grinning. «Every time I put this juicy thing in my mouth, pleasure overwhelmes my body. Too bad I haven`t sucked on one in such a long time.» Integra said. «What?! She did this before???» The elderly butler said, shoch plain in his voice. «After all this time, I thought she was a virgin...» Seras almost whispered. «Well, technically, sucking on it does`nt make you loose virginity.» Pip piped in, before returning his attention to the eavesdropping. Suddenly, slurping sounds emnated from the closed door, and Integras voice said between the licks; «Mmmm, it`s so sweet....» before moaning and returning to business. Walters brain seemed to go haywire at this, and the only thing his brain did was to think _I...I...I...I..._ over and over again. _This can`t be happening! _Seras though, as her jaws dropped down on the frenchmans head, which was convinently positioned straight underneath her. Pip however, seemed to enjoy it all. He flashed a wide grin as he thought; _Yeah, you go Integra! _

As if on cue, Integras voice echoed out in the hallway again. «It`s even better than I thought it would be...» She moaned, before continuing. «It`s sooooo juicy...» The slurping sounds resumed.  
_This is horrible!!_ Walter thought, beeing so engrossed in listening that his monocle fell off.  
_This is disgusting!! _Seras thought at the same moment, before making an unconfortable retching sound, putting her hand up to her mouth to keep it from landing on Pips hat.  
_This is awesome!! _was the thought that flipped through the mercenarys brain. However, it was far from the only one. However, all the other thought would have been rated MA+. «I can`t take this anymore!!» Walter yelled, turning and running away. «Gotta find a bathroom, I`m gonna throw up!» Seras yelled, and promtly raced for the closest bathroom, slamming the door close after her. Left behind was Pip, still sitting and listening, wearing a huge Alucard-ish grin.

On the other side of the door, a very different scene than what the eavesdroppers had imagined occured. Integra was sitting, fully dressed, in a chair. Alucard, also fully dressed, was sitting behind her and was giving her a nice shoulder-massage. «How`s that Master? Does it feel that good?» Alucard asked. Integra took out the object she had been having in her mouth, revealing it to be a lollipop, cherry-taste by the looks of it. «Does it feel good? I`M IN HEAVEN! HARDER ALUCARD, HARDER!!» Integra yelled, before reinserting the lollipop into her mouth, which made the slurping sounds reappear.

Outside the door, Pip were still sitting there and listening in, having his own dirty little fantasies of what was going on inside the room. «HARDER! HARDER! HARDER!» he heard Integra scream.  
_Yeah, Alucard. Harder, harder! You lucky son of a... _he though, still wearing that ridiculously wide grin of his.


	2. Grumpy

This little ficlet was spawned by a healthy mixture of my twisted mind and Fireheart1001s awesomeness. :D  
As in the last chapter, I`ve tried to preserve the original quotes as best as I could, but this chapter has more changes than the previous one. The reason for this is simply so that it would be better in text-form:D

Also: If you too are a fan of Firehearts blooper works, and want your favourite comic "textified", just drop of a PM and I`ll see what I can do:D

Here is a link to the original comic:

http:// fireheart1001 . deviantart . com/art/Hellsing-bloopers-18-Grumpy-113140248 (sans the spaces of course)

DISCLAIMER: I still dont own anything!

* * *

It was early evening at the Hellsing mansion. Things were stirring, as most business was conducted after nightfall. Alucard was walking down one of the myriad of corridors, growling lighly. He had had a bad days sleep, and had a horrible headache. His bloodshot eyes darted from door to door, as if daring them to open an disturb him. As he walked past one of the doors, it creaked open a wee bit. Walters head popped out of it, and watched Alucard for a while, before he retracted his head into the room again. «Sir Integra, he`s in one of those moods again. Should we be worried?» he asked, turning to face the Hellsing. «No, we`ll just stay out of the way and leave him to his usual routine.» Integra answered, before lighting one of her customary sigars. «Oh no, we forgot to warn Seras about it!» Walter suddenly said. He had opened the door again, watching Alucard slowly walk down the corridor. «What!? Let me see!» Integra snapped, and stuck her head out of the door. Sure enought, there came Seras. «Hi Master!» she greeted in her typical cheeryness, waving at him. Alucard stopped. Then he slowly turned his head a few degrees to that it was directly infront of Seras, who by now sensed that something was wrong. Then, he let loose a bloodcurdling roar. The kind of roar that will make even the most hardened vampire squeak in fear. Which was exactly what Seras did. When Alucards terrifying roar was over, poor Seras was just standing there, shivering, her face even paler than usual. _I think I have to go change my panties..._ Seras though, before she started walking towards her room, trying to be as silent as possible to not attract more attention from Alucard. «Phew, that went pretty well.» Walter said from the door opening as he saw Seras walking away from Alucard with all her limbs intact. «Yeah, I guess he`s not that angry this time.» Integra answered.

«Hey Alucard, what`s up?» they suddenly heard from the corridor. «Uh-oh, here comes Pip...» Walter said, having recognised the mercenarys voice. Alucard turned. Flashing a sneer, he slowly reached his hand out, and grabbed Pips eyepatch, to Pips suprise and bewilderment. «Erhmm.... Alucard, what are you...» he said. Alucard, by this time, had retracted his hand, taking Pips eyepatch with him, stretching the string that held it in place to the max. «Now THAT is going to hurt...» Walter remarked, having realised what Alucard was doing. Suddenly, Alucard let go of the overstretched eyepatch, and it snapped back, striking the mercenary straight in the face. «ARRGGHHH!! DAMNIT THAT HURTS!!! OH MY GOOOD!!» the frenchman yelled, in addition to several obscenitys in french. «Told ya.» Walter simply said. «We should probably tell them now.» Integra said, and went to find Seras as Walter scooped up the swearing frenchman left in Alucards wake. Some minutes later, everyone save Alucard were gathered. Seras, now with fresh panties, asked; «Sir Integra, what`s wrong with him?» Integra smiled, and relpied calmly. «He just had a bad days sleep. He`s always grumpy after that. Now he`s so angry and tired he won`t even notice the stairs and will fall down as always.» Moments later, the sounds of something crashing down a stair reached the groups ears. Then, a string of swearwords that would make a sailor blush reached them, before they glided into another language, probably romanian. «Now he`s gonna shoot the stairs for making him fall down.» Integra said, grinning a bit. As if on cue, the sound of gunshots rang out from the basement, in addition to Alucards voice screaming «DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE!!!» A loud slam was then heard, and Integra chuckled a bit. «Now he`s entered his "rejuvention-chamber" a.k.a the wine-cellar. In an hour or so, he`ll be as good as new.»

An hour later, Alucard exited the "rejuvation-chamber", swaying slightly and holding a half-full wine bottle. «Where is...*Hic* ... Where`s my beautiful...*Hic*....Where`s my beautiful family...*hic*....Come here! *Hic*» he sang, getting interrupted by hickups now and then. «After the "wine-effect" wears off he`ll forget he was ever angry.» Integra said, smiling at her servants status. Walter popped up, carrying a camera, smiling a rather sly grin. Suddenly, Alucard caught sight of Seras and Pip, who had walked into his admittedly rather shaky path. «I love you guys!!» Alucard said, then grabbed the shocked mercenary and Draculine in a horrible bearhug. «This is one of those moments that has to be caught on camera. Smile everyone!» Walter said, apparantly having anticipated this result. «Gah! Ma-ster! Not-so-hard!» Seras gasped as a loud cracking noice was heard, probably one of her ribs breaking. «Alu-card, you`re kill-ing me!» the frenchman said, trying to wriggle his way out of Alucards grip.

And Alucard? He was grinning like a kid who just got a pair of new toys.


	3. Metal

Hihihi, yet another textified Hellsing Blooper! These are really fun to make:D I`m sure its unneccesary to say at this point, but this ficlet was created as a part of my "Textification" of the Hellsing Blooper comics on Deviantart=D

http:// fireheart1001 . deviantart . com/art/Hellsing-bloopers-29-Metal-130373971 (sans the spaces)

DISCLAIMER: I own neither Hellsing, Ozzy Osbourne nor Fireheart1001s comics. Now, get off my back pesky lawyers. :D

* * *

«Can I?» Alucards voice pleaded. «No.» Integra answered, almost bored. Alucard had pestered her with the same question for hours. Yet, he did`nt give up. Not at all. Integra just ignored his contant pestering, and sat down to do some paperwork. «Can I?» he asked again, and purely by reflex, she answered. «No.»

Three hours, countless sigars, and a giant bunch of paper later, Alucard was STILL asking Integra. «Can I?» and got the now rather annoyed «No!» back. _It would be really nice with a bath after all that paperwork.... _Integra thought as she rose to her feet. She stumped her latest sigar, and wandered off to her bathroom. Once in, she locked the door, and sighed loudly. Alucard had followed her all the way to the door, asking «Can I?» all the way. Hopefully, he would stay out when she took a bath. She put the water in the tub on and while waiting for it to rise got out of her old clothes and fetched a towel and some new clothes. As she lowered herself into the warm water, a sigh of pleasure escaped her lips. After a long day of doing paperwork while Alucard constantly pestered her, this was just what she needed. «Can I?» she suddenly heard beside her head. Sticking out from the wall were Alucards head. «NOOOOOO!!! NOW GET OUT!!!» a furious Integra screamed at Alucard as he retracted his head with a dissappointed look on his face. Thankfully, Integra managed to finish her bath without any further interruptions. However, when she had gotten her clothes on and was eating soup for supper, Alucard popped up again, this time hanging from the cealing. «Can I?» he asked again. «ALLRIGHT FINE!!» Integra finaly yielded, slamming her fist with her spoon into the table. «But take Seras with you, don`t get into any trouble, and DON`T KILL ANYONE!!» Integra continued. «Yessss!!» Alucard said, and promptly dissappeared.

«Prepare yourself, Police Girl. We`re going to a Heavy Metal concert tonight! Our Master has agreed to let us go.» Alucard said with a wide grin to Seras, who seemed confused. «But Master, since when did you like Heavy Metal?» she asked, curiosity in her voice. «Are you kidding me? Singers whose voice makes the ground tremble, special effects that resemple Hell on Earth, musicians whose instruments make thunder sound like a kitten purring, an army of fans jumping and screaming like they`re possessed by demons! Rock n`Roll, Hard Rock, Heavy Metal etc. They`re all....PURE EVIL!» As he said the last part, he morphed his clothing from the customary red coat and victorian suit into a black leather outfit studded with nails and other various pieces of metal. Instead of his gun, his hands now held a black guitar, a Flying V.

Later that night, Alucard and Seras, who had dressed in a black and gray outfit, arrived at the concert. The first thing that met their eyes was a huge poster with the omnious words «SOLD OUT» printed on it. «Ah crap!» Alucard said. «What now?» Seras asked, looking at Alucard. He replied slyly. «We`ll sneak in the back way of course.» Suddenly a *Poof* was heard, and in place of Alucard was a large bat. «You stay here while I see where the back entrance is.» the Alucard-turned-bat said, flapping his wings. «In the meantime, I`ll fly over the stage to see who`s performing.» «Allright» Seras answered, and settled down to wait a little while. «I guess he really likes this music if he didn`t even check who was performing...» she mumbled to herself as she strolled along the fence. Suddenly, a board caught her eyes. «Hey, there`s a board here... «Performing tonight, none other than the great....Ozzy Osbourne!»» she read aloud. A shocked expression exploded all over her face, and she yelled. «Ozzy Osbourne?! MASTER!! WAIT!!» But alas, it was too late. A moment later, a bat holding its own head came swooping down and hovered just infront of Seras. «Not a word Police Girl, not a word...» the menancing voice of Alucard said. _That guy was SO lucky I got orders not to kill...._ Alucard thought as he reattached his head to his body.


	4. Yuri

Mornin`! :D yet again, I have textified a Hellsing Blooper comic:D This time, its comic number 35, named...Yuri. So, be warned, contains yuriness, of the kinky kind. :D

Link to the original comic: http:// fireheart1001 . deviantart . com/art/Hellsing-bloopers-35-Yuri-138099084 (sans the spaces)

A/N: This one is set in episode 9 of the Anime version of Hellsing:D

DISCLAIMER: I dont own anything! Nothing at all! =D

* * *

«You evil bitch! How dare you do this to me! Just wait until my butler gets here.» Integra said, anger and confidence both clear in her voice. She was beeing held by Laura, the Baobahn Sith, and was unable to move. Laura had unbuttoned her shirt and coat, revealing a nice pair of breasts held up by a bra. In response to Integras threats, Laura just smiled. «Your butler is under MY control. He`s the one making sure nobody interupts us.» Integra still smiled, having seemingly spottet a flaw in Lauras plans. «Don`t underestimate the Police Girl. She`ll find a way to get around him and ruin your plans.» At the exact same moment as Integra said this, Seras was caught in Walters wires. «Stop it, Walter! Please, don`t! Please, Walter, don`t! Don`t make me fight you! Stop choking me!» Seras` voice drifted upstairs, and Integras grin faltered. «...You were saying?» the Baobahn Sith asked with a smug smile. «Okay...then Alucard. He`ll come here and kill you in an instant!» Integra said, having lost her confident grin, expecting Laura to have some kind of counter for that one too. «Alucard is currently meeting my boss. And guess what? He`s also a strong vampire who likes to fight.» Now Laura was the one with the smug self-confident grin. There was silence for a little while save the sounds of some struggling betweeen Walter and Seras as Integra pondered how to get out of this mess. «Well, I`m out of ideas.» She admitted, making the Baobahn Siths grin go even wider. «Good, now lets get that shirt and coat off you...»

_Grrr.... I cant believe this is happening. Getting molested by a vampire in my own home! Gahh, she`s actually licking my brea....woah....WOAH! That...That actually felt good! She`s definitively done this before...There`s a sensetive spot on my left...OH THAT`S IT, THAT`S IT!! That hit the spot... Damn, that tongue is warm... Mmmm......_

A little while later, Alucard popped up just in time to prevent Integra from getting bitten. «I`ve had enough of your mockery, Baobahn Sith!» he said in typical Alucard-style, brandishing the well know I`m-gonna-kill-ya grin. «You...Idiot! Why did you have to interupt us!?» To Alucards great suprise, it was Integra yelling at him, not Laura! «Well, since you`re here, chain this vampire up and throw her into the dungeon.» Alucards face screwed itself into a mighty confused expression. «What?....You sure you don`t want me to kill her?...Well, okay....I guess. You`re the Master.» he said, spreading his shadowy-eye-tentacle things all over the room. «WAIT NO! GET THOSE SHADOWS AWAY FROM ME!!!» Laura screamed as the shadows enveloped her.

«This wasn`t part of the plan!» Laura said, almost to herself. She was chained up in one of the dungeons in the Hellsing Mansion, stripped down to her underwear. Which was pretty skimpy.

«I must say, I really enjoy your company. But there`s one thing you must know about me. I`m a very nice person, but when it comes to kinky stuff...I always like to be the dominant one.» Integra had entered the dungeon, clad in a rather skimpy leather dress, brandishing a short whip and a wicked grin. «By the way, don`t bother trying to hypnotize me. I ordered Alucard to stay inside the mansion. His aura neutralises your spells. Also...» Integras suddenly stopped and produced a red ball-gag. «..here`s a little gag to keep you from biting me.» Integra inserted the gag into the now fear-paralyzed vampires mouth, then gently stroked her chin with the whip. «When I`m through with you, Alucard won`t be the only vampire calling me "Master". Let`s get started, shall we?» Integra said, her voice filled with lust. _This isn`t fun anymore! I like to be the one in charge! _Laura thought as Integra started to chuckle.

Unknown to the ones in the basement, the rest of the Helling crew, namely Walter, Alucard, Fargason and Seras were watching them on a monitor several stories above. «Wait, so they don`t know we`re watching them?» Seras exclaimed. Fargason clamly explained. «No, Sir Integras father installed a secret camera into the dungeons. Walter is the only one who knew about them.» Alucard and Walter looked exstatic as they watched the show. «This is going to be great! Walter, get us some chairs, quick!» Walter ran to do it, saying «I`m on it, I`m on it!» as he did.

Meanwhile, in Ingcognitos lair, Paul and Incognito was waiting for Laura to return. «I thought you said she`d be back by now.» Paul said. «That was the plan. Hmm, meaby boasting to Alucard about how Integra was in danger wasn`t one of my best moves.» Incognito replied, pacing to and fro on the floor.

Back in the Mansion, all but Seras was sitting on a chair, closely following the action on the monitor. «YEAH! This is better than the Playboy Channel! Walter, get me a bag of blood!» Alucard exclaimed. «And fetch me an ice cold beer!» Fargason piped in, before reverting his attention to the monitor. «What!? Why do I have to? Get your own drinks!» Walter said, not wanting to tear his attention away from the action. «Because you`re the butler! Now, move it! Chop-chop!» Alucard said, keeping his eyes on the monitor. Walter grumbled and swore, but did it anyway. Seras, giving up on trying to find an arguement to get the men away from the screen, just sighed and mumbled to herself. «Men....»


End file.
